An Endeavor of Trepidation.

Trepidation 

Pronunciation:

\ˌtre-pə-ˈdā-shən\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

Latin trepidation-, trepidatio, from trepidare to tremble, from trepidus agitated; probably akin to Old English thrafian to urge, push, Greektrapein to press grapes

Date:

1605

1archaic : a tremulous motion : tremor2: timorous uncertain agitation : apprehension <trepidation about starting a new job>

synonyms see fear.     

                     

I am leaving you, and I am afraid. I am so scared that I'll lose you, that you'll lose me, that I'll lose myself. I'm afraid of loss.

There are not a whole lot of things in my life that are very permanent. In a life controlled by others, you can not help but lose things that you love. When Mom wanted someone out of the "family", all contact was severed and I have therefore lost people I loved for years because of her. I suppose I blame her for most of my recently surfaced separation issues, and although she no longer controls my life, the anxiety remains.

I always thought it was cruel how easily people can move on. I must admit, this is a bit hypocritical of me, seeing as how it's a trait I have developed over the years. I suppose I hate that about myself. I hate how easily adaptable I am. How well-adjusted I can be... I hardly missed Paris until it started to kill Dad, and that is awful. And Dad... it was like he could just leave. I wonder sometimes if he wanted to stay or if he was willing to go. I don't know those kinds of things... But it seemed to me that if he wanted to stay, he would've put down the bottle and picked up the phone.

That's another thing... I used to feel awful about not calling people, but I have recently realized that the phone works both ways. When the people I loved were kicked out of my life, that rule apparently didn't apply or something. ...They let go of me so easily. They moved on like I was dead.

Well, I am not dead. I am, in fact, very much alive. And I am frightened.

I'm afraid of being let go again. Of not calling. Of the phone not ringing. I am so afraid of leaving the one constant in my life behind. I'm afraid of leaving it all for the future.

A very good friend, mentor, and teacher once asked me to look for the point in fear. What purpose was this fear I'd conjured serving? It was a moving question, and one that I had managed to avoid answering.

Tonight, I think I have stirred the answer within me.

I know this really interesting Boy who makes me feel like he doesn't believe in fear. Once I asked him what frightened him the most, and he told me something along the lines of "My life doesn't have any room for fear."

He went on to explain how he felt there was no point in fearing anything, how he doesn't believe in it, how he's not really afraid of anything.

I think, at least on this matter particularly, this Boy I know is full of shit.

Everyone is afraid of something, whether they admit it to the world, or themselves, or their God, or their pillow, or their blogs, or nobody. Everyone fears, and though this is not a comfort to those who are afraid, it is a fact.

Everybody fears, and fear has a purpose.

Fear is a necessity. We need it to survive. Fear is also a good thing to have, usually. Fear is what stops us from doing things we shouldn't, and fear helps us make things better. A person with a perfectly rational sense of fear can only benefit from it.

I think I have a very rational sense of fear, and my fear's purpose is to make me change what I know is not right. 

I am afraid of losing these things, these people, because I know that losing them would be wrong. Because I am afraid, I must work to make sure that does not happen. 

I am afraid of these people giving up on me, losing me, and so I shall not give them any reason to give me up.

I am afraid of forgetting these things. I am most afraid of forgetting them and everything we've been through. I need to work on this with the most diligence of all. Getting past a fear is like throwing yourself in the briar patch, and coming out clean. I'm afraid that although it seems clear now, I will fuck it up and I will be crippled by this fear... I fear fear itself, sometimes.

All the comfort I have managed to find is in knowing that my fear has a function and a purpose, and that it can do nothing but enable me to better tackle unforeseen obstacles in this endeavor of trepidation.

Fearfully braving the road ahead,

-Aleecat